14th February, Valentine's Day. Everyone is celebrating this day in his own way... expecting flowers, cards, gifts, chocolates, candlelight dinner etc. from your loved ones. How many of us understand what love really means? here are my thoughts. It is believed that execrate is the opposite of love, No it’s not the opposite of love. Love is a giving thing - we give through abandonment during difficult times, illness, and unfairness. Execrate is our preference. We usually say that we hate a certain person or hate a certain dish or hate a certain place. Actually, what we are really saying is that we want certain foods to others, we prefer certain places to other places, and we prefer to be with particular people and not to be with other people. The contrast of love is avarice. Our avarice, our greediness takes from others and furnishes for self. Avarice sucks spirit and life from others for self-glory. When we become greedy, we want more from others where loving people try to find out how more they can give to others. Love is not honest. Honesty implies favour for a favour. Love is not an obligation. When we love someone, we give without expecting anything in return. We normally confuse acts of kindness with love. Kindness is mutual. I do a kindness for you, and I expect that you will do a kindness for me in return. Loving and accepting love in return is gratifying, encouraging, and rejuvenating, but not required. Love cannot be unfaithful. Love never expects anything, then betrayal is not possible. Disloyalty or Betrayal is possible whenever we expect something in return. Love is all about surrendering and sacrificing. The more we sacrifice, the more can be a demonstration of love. Sacrificing for the people who we love is easy but giving and sacrificing for those we don't like is more difficult. We repeatedly fall prey to the impulsion, to not to give our time, effort, and assets to people whom we don’t like because all our efforts will go vain and obscured. Establishment of an assumption opens the door to regrets and disloyalty. When we give to those we don't like without any expectation, we can never be regretted or betrayed, for love expects nothing. providing without desire improves our lives and could change the lives of others. In Bhagwat Geeta, Lord Krishna says, “Love should set another person in love with us free”. Love isn’t a contractual relationship of compromise; one should not involve in a give and take relationship because it is destined to fail. True love is free from expectation, anger, and any other emotion, it involves the only act of giving, void of any expectation or null feeling
I feel lucky in many ways... despite born and brought up in small towns like Bhiwani & Rohtak I always had a very proud feeling being a female where my all the friends used to say that "kash agar hum ladka hote" we would have enjoyed the life more...I don't understand why staying out late night is more fun? Girls have more choices of clothing, jobs/profession. Female can choose any field to work but there are some professions which male don't want to choose. My father used to call me JHANSI KI RANI and I used to feel so proud. Lucky enough to have a husband, who has same thinking as my father, he is over caring for me but he is not over protective, he cooks for us, he did baby sittings for long hours when I used to go out not only for work but also for my leisure time. Yes, God has given more qualities to women than men. We are better carer than men so we got the power of reproducing so that we can take care of babies for 9 months. It is not the question of learning cooking because women will have to cook after marriage, but to take care of family after marriage. There are certain things meant to do by males and females. We need to change our thinking /mentality to teach our boys and girls. If we take an example of cooking, world' renowned chefs are male but women need to learn cooking because they are better carer. So, both boys and girls are equal, but it depends how you brought up them. I have two girls and am so proud to say that I have taught them in a way that they understand that they have equal rights but there is a need to understand the balance. I must say one thing that God has given the strength of reproducing to women but at the same time that can be a weakness for the women if the boys are not taught behaving properly.
At some point of time, we all feel angry and frustrated and that is perfectly all right. If we dig deep inside our heart, we will find that we don't get frustrated because of circumstances, incidents or experience. We get frustrated because of our viewpoint or attitude or beliefs.
Usually, we do not perceive how we upset our self by falling into irrational expectations, demands, and commands.
For example, we all get stuck in traffic almost every day and that makes us angry… well that’ what you think which is wrong because traffic happens. But we always expect that it shouldn't happen to us. The thing that's making us unhappy is that word "should."
I will give you an example here. I say, “Read this book on relationship, maybe you will not get any benefit but just try." So, you try it, it doesn't work. You do not get frustrated.
In the same situation but I say, "This always works." It fails. Now you're annoyed. What changed? Your supposition, your expectation.
You visit to someone unexpectedly who is not very close to you, he/she doesn’t ask you to stay for lunch or dinner. You don't get that bothered. After all, you are not close to that person.
But if you visit to your best friend and he/she doesn’t ask for dinner or lunch, you get angry. What's different? She should have asked for dinner she is my best friend!!!
Again, nothing changed but your belief.
It’s quite simple and straightforward but how we can change our beliefs and expectations? It’s also very simple and straightforward.
It's a simple as an ‘IDEA’ . Really.
I is ill luck . Traffic is terrible.
D is your deduction and often they're irrational. "This shouldn't happen to me.
E is effect. We get angry, frustrated or depressed.
In very few cases can we change I. But we can change D. And that will change E. So, let's bring in the 4th letter.
A argument averse your irrational beliefs. Traffic has happened before. It will happen again. And I will survive."
The problem lies in our beliefs. Just try to get rid of the words ‘SHOULD, MUST, OUGHT’ and half of your frustrations will disappear.
Everyone is allowed to wish, want, and desire but we cannot urge the world shape to our will. That's where the frustration and anger crawl in — because that divine demand isn't logical.
There is a very fine line between selfishness and self- need. Selfishness means that you make sure your needs are met first and the world if filled with these type of people. You will find the around you as friends, colleagues or relatives.
There is a very powerful procedure to make yourself unhappy is to retain the company of pessimistic or negative and selfish friends. These people are more likely the considerable source of social sorrow and contrition. If you keep them with you, you’ll find that it feels like you’re investing in a dead stock: it’ll never reward you back.
The greatest demanding part about this is that these people know how to pretend themselves in agreeable and lovable people. Today I want to share with you with my more than 40 years of experience a few secrets on how to recognise a selfish friend, before you devote yourself, and get upset or disappointed .
A very good way to locate a selfish friend, is to observe that how they deal with flavours. When you show them a curtsey, they don’t make a big deal about it, and never give you a sincere THANKS. They will act the way that it was not a big deal for them.
Another interesting thing about these friends is that they can cancel plans with you at will, they will give you heaps of justifications, and hardly feel that they need to apologies. When you propose plans, they will cautiously analyse them to other potential social plans they can do alternatively, and then decide if they’re available. And if you think they’ll count you in their alternative plans, and then think again.
The selfish people don’t think of social gatherings as chance to interact and share time, they see them as option to get something: a favourable contact, a job opening, an attractive date opportunity, and so on.
These types of characters will always talk about their other friends and people that they know. You can be friends with these people for long but you’ll never get introduced to these so-called friends. This is mostly because these types of people carry a lot of shallow relationships, and very few sincere ones. You’ll observe that they hardly know these people who they always talk about.
Selfish friend don’t have a concept of giving. Their conception about relationships and contacts are some sort of turnover: if they give you a portion of it, their part will be smaller. Of course, this is very wrong, because the more you share your network, the more it grows.
There is a very interesting ruse that selfish people use, typically insensible, is to keep you in suspect and confusion about your worth as a friend. They will never make you feel capable about yourself, as if you always have to give or do more. They will indirectly give you rejections in small doses, to always keep you around, and try to get you to want their consent.
So my advice to you is to never fall for this and. Cut the suckers out – they do more harm than good.
A lot has been spoken about love and the perfect relationship, yet it is so unfortunate that we all fall in love or get in to the relationship and often find ourselves unable to handle it for long. William Shakespeare has said that "the course of true love never did run smooth" How true is that but most of us don’t understand.
In 2015, there were 48,517 divorces granted in Australia. The divorce rate is about 45% which means that close to 50% marriages end up with divorce. Recently on my wedding anniversary, I posted a photograph on Facebook with my husband with a loving message. I got lots of likes, comments and messages. Few of them said ‘lovely couple’...‘Both of you are lucky to have each other'...' you have a loving husband’. Few of them asked ‘how to find a right person for a successful married life? Well… The key to succeeding in a relationship is not finding the right person; it’s learning to love the person you found. Each and every relationship has a revolution … In the starting of your relationship; you fall in love with your companion. You expect their phone calls, you want their touch, and of course you like their peculiarity.
Falling in love with any one was never hard. In fact, it was a thoroughly unprocessed and impulsive experience. One didn’t have to do anything. That’s why we call “falling” in love. Love is untouched unpredictable feeling, that just happens, you do not realise how, when and why it happened.
Life is a full circle and so is a relationship. After some time into a relationship or togetherness, or after a few months or years of being together, the elation of love vanishes. It’s an unrefined rotation of every relationship. Leisurely but certainly, partner’s phone calls become irritating (if you get them), his/her touch doesn't feel like it used to and the very same qualities of your partner that made you weak in the knees, now get onto your nerves. The manifestation of this phase may vary with every relationship; One can observe a striking difference between the starting stage when two of them were in love and a often lifeless or even annoyed upcoming stage.
At this point of time, one of you might start to question yourself, “is he/she is the right person for me?” And as you indicate on the elation of the love you once had with your partner, may be you start to crave that encounter with someone else. This is the time when relationships start staling and breakdown.
People start blaming their partners for their sadness and look outside for attainment. Illicit sexual fulfilment comes in all shapes and sizes and cheating is the most common of all. But sometimes, people turn into workaholics, pick up a hobby, regularly have night outs, watch excessive TV, adopt pets or turn into an abusive individuals.. The problem does NOT lie outside your relationship... in fact, It lies within it. I don’t mean that you couldn’t fall in love with someone else...you could and transitionally you’d feel better. However, after sometime you would find yourself in the same situation. Preserving love is not an inactive or unforced experience. One has to work towards it day and night. Yes, It takes time, several attempts and fire within to achieve it. Most importantly, it desires UNDERSTANDING. One should know what he/she should do to make it work and make no mistakes in the process.
Love is NOT a riddle. There are certain things one can do (with or without his/her partner), Always remember that there is a law for relationships. If you know how to apply that law in your relationship, the results are foreseeable.
Twenty-five years ago today, my husband and I officially became a family yes OFFICIALLY! We met 35 years ago, and we were in relationship for 5 years before getting married. Best Conclusion of my life, yes, I mean this. Neither of us can believe how 25 years have gone already, and I feel blessed than ever that we have 25 years’ worth of pictures, stories, and memories recorded.
Today I do not want to talk about my personal feelings for Vikram in this public platform because that is between the two of us, and he knows how/what I feel about him. I feel enhanced to share some concepts here because I hope there is something that perhaps will spark an idea in other people’s mind about what kind of endeavour they may want to put into their own marriages. Maybe it might help some of you to turn inwards and think about the notions you’ve learned in your own marriage.
There is a saying Men are from Mars… is that veracious?
No, not all the men… and I’ve learned this in these 25 years. Yes 25 years not 35 years, because while in affair things are not that real what you think, especially in our community where there are some boundaries and restrictions. Though the things have changed drastically in last 35 years but in our times having affair was a taboo. You hardly talk to each other about realities; your dates are all about exchanging gifts, cards, love, impracticable promises and suddenly you realize that two hours have gone and now it’s time to say bye to each other.
Your actual journey starts when you get married, you literally start realizing the meaning of commitments, dedication, love , affection, support, responsibility, understanding, respect and trust. I will not say that every couple should get 10/10 for these qualities but yes these are the keys words of a successful marriage.
Since I am writing this on social media, that doesn’t mean that I shall write all rosy things about my 25 years of marriage. There have been so many ups and downs in our married life.
I experienced our “own things” and our “joint stuff” is distinctly valuable. There are things I enjoy that Vikram isn’t truly interested in and vice versa. Both of us enjoy those activities, on our own, or with friends that share the fascination, and we are supportive of each other taking time away to do those things occasionally. We also understand that having some common divertissement is equally important which articulate us and yes, we have that melodious common interest ‘Music’.
My husband often makes mistakes. I make plenty of them though myself. We’re not perfect, and no one can be 100% perfect. We should not expect perfection from ourselves or our spouse.
Now Let’s talk about sense of humour. Having a sense of humour is vital. No, honestly. We are two very imperfect people. Our imperfect marriage has had plenty of ups and downs. I have an inherited sense of humour which my husband lacks and honestly most of his family members are also like him. So many times we had big fights because he took my jokes very seriously.
Understanding each other’s love communication is exceptionally helpful. Honestly speaking both of us has lack of understanding of love language. I may express my love verbally with articulations of recognition, but if hi love language is say, acts of service (making dinner) then that’s the kind of stuff I need to be better about. And he likewise would need to know that it’s important to me to hear verbal expressions of love.
There is one thing that I can say very confidently that the adversary is working hard to destroy most of the marriages and families. This is very important for every married couple to understand so that we can do our part to protect what is most sacred to us. Talking negatively about your spouse is harmful. You can talk to my dearest friends, my parents, or anyone close to me and they would be able to tell you that I don’t speak bad about. I complement and acclaim him and any issues that come up between us, stay between us. We work through our scuffle together instead of going outside to others.
There were so many incidents when we thought that we two are totally two different people and cannot live together. We have faced the situation when two of us were sitting in front of the solicitor for divorce. Despite all, in difficult situations we both of us firmly stood together and faced the situation fearlessly. Believe me each and every difficult time whether it was because our personal relationship or due to some other reasons, we came closer to each other. I strongly believe, not only with my experience but I have seen in many other couples that personal relationship get more stronger after fights, in difficult time , during hard circumstances or tough situations .Marriage requires patience, encouragement, and forgiveness. Holding onto grudges benefits no one.
Last but not the least I would like to mention that I disagree, that before getting married two people need too much time to understand each other. Marriage is not about finding a perfect life partner but to make a perfect marriage with the partner you have found. Foundation of marriage rests on love, patience understanding, trust and respect for your partner.